The Feeling of Incompleteness

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This photo may look like one of the happiest moments… I mean, taking family photos is supposed to be a happy moment, right? You finally find a time when everyone can be together to capture a moment in time—a moment that you and generations to come will hopefully cherish forever.

But tbh… this moment—despite how happy I look, despite what the outer appearance says—was actually one of my saddest moments. I felt as if our family was incomplete.

Have you ever had that feeling of incompleteness?
Well, let me explain why I felt this way…

After we had our son, Jr, everything started to speed up. Our girls were staying with our parents (thank God for them 🙌🏾), and we knew they were in great hands. But because it was during Covid (my heart goes out to all of those who were affected by the pandemic), we couldn’t have ANY visitors besides, of course, Mommy and Daddy. No siblings. No grandparents. Just us.

Yes, thankfully we had FaceTime… but that could never replace the real thing.

I gave birth through cesarean—my 3rd one actually—so my body was going through it, physically and mentally. And for some reason, I felt like I couldn’t breathe during the procedure, so they gave me oxygen (which I’m sure is normal).

That same breathless feeling? I feel it even now as I write this—like it’s taking my breath away to share one of the most personal parts of my story, my experience.

When Jr was born, I got a quick glance before he was swooped away. No skin-to-skin contact. No kiss on his cheek. Just… a glance. That moment was stolen from me.

(And this isn’t me complaining—this is me being real. I know God is still good. I don’t blame Him for anything—let’s get that clear right off the rip 🙏🏾).

Jr was taken upstairs to another room, and I was taken to a separate holding room. After resting, I was finally able to go see him. I couldn’t pick him up, but we did get to feed him while holding up his little head.

He was connected to a bunch of heart monitors. It all felt so unreal—but it was our reality, one that hadn’t fully settled in yet. How could we fully connect with our son without holding him close?

Someone, I’m not sure who, told us about the Ronald McDonald House, so we stayed there for a bit. Nice rooms, home-cooked dinners, and such kind people. We even brought our TV and other items from home to make it feel more like home.

But the days felt long. And if you know like I know, that gives your emotions plenty of time to creep in all at once. I remember laying on that bed, curled up in a ball—just crying. BALLING. 😭 Thinking, this still isn’t real.

Our girls were at home wondering why Mommy, Daddy, and baby brother weren’t home yet. They knew he was born, but where was he?
Such a hard thing to explain to a 2- and 4-year-old.

We took public transportation back and forth from the Ronald House to the hospital. After a couple of days, we decided to go home. We needed the comfort of home, where at least two of our three babies were.

But leaving the hospital without our son? That wrecked me. I felt like I was abandoning him. (I know I wasn’t—but that’s what my mama heart felt.) I was empty. So empty.

I felt like a horrible mother because I had to leave one child to go tend to our other two. I couldn’t stay at the hospital the whole time with him, and that broke me. Some days, I just couldn’t make it up there. We only had one vehicle then, and my husband had to work long hours to keep us afloat. There were many days he couldn’t come either.

My husband made so many sacrifices to make sure we were okay financially, and I appreciated him then—and I appreciate him even more now. 🥹

God really provided for us, just like He always has. His covering never left us, even when we were stretched thin and holding on by faith. 🙌🏾💗

But Back to this photo…
We had scheduled a family picture, believing Jr would be home by then. But he wasn’t. And while we smiled for the camera, I felt that emptiness deep down. How could we move forward and smile when a piece of us—our baby—wasn’t there?

I share my experience for the mama who feels incomplete. The mama who feels empty, who thinks she’s not doing enough or that she is not enough.

As God gives us grace daily, give yourself grace too.
This is just a season. Greater is coming. Victory is coming. You are not alone. 💗

There’s someone out there walking a road similar to yours, even if you can’t see it yet. You will come out of this. Because God’s promises never come back void. 🙌🏾✨

With love,
The Faithful Mom